I do not like reflecting back on the person I used to be because it reminds me of the pain present in my life at that time. I was very depressed for years and was actually unaware I was so unhappy. Perhaps it is because the pain went back so far that I never knew what real happiness was like. My father decided when I was very young that he simply did not love me or my sister any more and took a new wife and new family. I pretended for years that it did not bother me; yet when I would drink, which was often starting at age 12, I would let it all out. I frequently would blackout. I thought blackouts were normal and just part of drinking. I usually ended up crying hysterically over something and had little to no recollection the next day. I met my husband when I was 15 and that is what he saw every time I drank. It was never really fun and yet I always seemed to get so excited to pack the ice chest for a camping trip and spend days recovering when I got home. I was absolutely incapable of just having a few drinks. I was completely unaware I was self medicating. Later, in my 20's, I saw that my marriage was falling apart and I recognized just how miserable I really was. I had gained so much weight and felt ugly inside and outside. When I finally committed, lets say 90%, to my health I started to notice a change in myself. By starting to exercise, monitoring my diet, and quitting the heavy drinking my body started to change. Now yes there was dramatic physical changes taking place but the more important and life altering changes were taking place in my mind. I was more relaxed and less stressed. The exercise was releasing a lot of the negative energy. I started to view myself differently and the people I was surrounding myself with. As I was ridding my body of toxins, I started ridding my life of toxic people. The more healthy I got, the more I recognized how unhealthy my relationships were. I started spending my time with other healthy people. And by other healthy people, I don't mean gym rats. I was meeting people that made healthy decisions for themselves and families. They were just better people than what I was accustomed to. And I truly enjoyed their company. As my life and the people in it was transforming, I noticed that when I would drink, I did not seem to binge any more. I was mentally telling myself I didn't want to be hung over during my workout the next day. One day I actually drank too much and forced myself to do my insanity workout the next morning because I refused to fail on following my workout calendar. I swear I damn near died. I had to stop the workout DVD 5 times to throw up. But I finished it! I felt it was my way of punishing myself for being stupid and drinking too much. If you have ever tried to workout hung over, you know what I am talking about. It was horrible. I was sweating Bacardi. The lesson I learned is that alcoholism and working out or sports just do not mix. You cannot perform at your best, or perform at all pending how hung over you are. This was a pivotal moment in my life. I exchanged my binge drinking for working out. It was the best choice I have ever made. I reached my fitness goals, rid my life of toxic people, rid my body of toxins, reversed my PCOS, and repaired my broken marriage. I made the changes that changed my life! I am now a Beachbody coach and help others to make the same changes in their own lives! We all deserve true happiness, but sometimes just need to be shown how to find it.